Taser anyone?!

[FordFan86]

If you're not rolling on the floor, laughing with tears in your eyes
after reading this--your funny bone is broken !!!

To give you some background information, Greg, the author of this email,
is 58 years old about 6'3" and 220 lbs and contrary to this story, he is
quite an intelligent person.

Dear Friends,

My wife is fond of saying that my last words on this earth will be
something akin to "Well, I have out done myself once again." No doubt you
will see this true story chronicled in a Life Time movie in the near future.

Here goes.

Last weekend I spied something at the pawn shop that tickled my
fancy.
(Note: Keep in mind that my "fancy" is easily tickled.)

I bought something really cool for my wife. The occasion was our 12th
anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my sweet
girl.

What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized Taser gun with
a clip. For those of you who are not familiar with this product, it is
a less-than-lethal stun gun with two metal prongs designed to
incapacitate an assailant with a shock of high-voltage, low amperage
electricity while you flee to safety. The effects are supposed to be
short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, but
allowing you adequate time to retreat to safety. You simply jab the
prongs into your 250 lb tattooed assailant, push the
button, and it will render him a slobbering, goggle-eyed,
muscle-twitching, whimpering, pencil-neck geek.

If you've never seen one of these things in action, then you're truly
missing out - way too cool!
Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two
AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was so
disappointed. Upon reading the directions (we don't need no
stinkin' directions), I found much to my chagrin that this particular
model would not create an arch between the prongs. How disappointing! I
do love fire for effect. I learned that if I pushed the button, however,
and pressed it against a metal surface that I'd get the blue arch of
electricity darting back and forth between the prongs that I was
so looking forward to. I did so.

Awesome!!! Sparks, a blue arch of electricity, and a loud pop!!!
Yipeeeeee. I'm easily amused, just for your information, but I have yet
to explain to my wife what that burn spot is on the face of her
microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
couldn't be all that bad with only two AAA batteries, etc., etc. There I
sat in my recliner, my dog looking on intently (trusting little soul),
reading the directions (that would be me, not the dog) and thinking that
I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh and blood target. I
must admit I thought about zapping the dog for a fraction of a second and
thought better of it. She is such a sweet pup, after all. But, if I
was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a
mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am
I wrong?

Was I wrong to think that? Seemed reasonable to me at the time.

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading
glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one
hand, Taser in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would
shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to
cause muscle spasms and a loss of bodily control; a
three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the
ground like a fish out of water.

All the while I'm looking at this little device (measuring about 5" long,
less than
3/4 inch in circumference, pretty cute really, and loaded with two
itsy, bitsy AAA batteries) thinking to myself, "no friggin' way!"
Friggin' way - trust me, but I'm getting ahead of myself.

What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.
Those of you who know me well have got a pretty good idea of what
followed. I'm sitting there alone, the dog looking on with her head
ИИИИed to one side as if to say, "don't do it buddy," reasoning that a
one-second burst from such a tiny lil' ole thing couldn't hurt all that
bad. (Sound, rational thinking under the circumstances, wouldn't you
agree?)

I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the hell of it.

(Note: You know, a bad decision is like hindsight--
always 20/20. It is so obvious that it was a bad decision after the fact,
even though it seemed so right at the time. Don't ya hate that?)

I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY
*********!!!! I'm pretty sure that Jessie Ventura ran in through the
front door, picked me up out of that recliner, then body slammed me on
the carpet over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in
the fetal position, nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found,
soaking wet, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position.
The dog was standing over me making sounds I had never heard before,
licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, please do
it again!"

(Note: If you ever feel compelled to mug yourself with a Taser, one note of caution.. There is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You're not going to let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. Then, if you're lucky, you won't lodge the prongs 1/4" deep in your thigh like yours truly.)

SON-OF-A-***** that hurt! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time
was a relative thing at this point), I collected my wits (what little I
had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My reading glasses were on
the mantel of the fireplace. How did they get there??? My triceps, right
thigh and both titties were still twitching. My face felt like it had
been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed
88 lbs. give or
take an ounce or two, I'm pretty sure. By the way, has anyone seen my
testicles? I think they ran away. I'm offering a reward. They're round,
rather large. Miss 'em ...... sure would like to get'em back.

[Qwikcorty]

thats the funniest thing ive read in a while!

[Peuty]

Hahahaha, thats funny.

Poor bloke.

[Gilesie]

it has been getting around for a while and it seems to change as it goes

Enjoy, I was laughing so hard I was almost in tears. Wondering if someone I know (relatives included) may actually be this fellow.
jaque

Pocket Taser Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife.



This was submitted by a guy who purchased his lovely wife a "pocket Tazer" as an anniversary present. (What was he thinking?)


Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my interest. The occasion was our 22nd anniversary and I was looking for a little something extra for my wife Toni. What I came across was a 100,000-volt, pocket/purse-sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were suppose to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety.... WAY TOO COOL!

Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing! I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button AND pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arch of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

Awesome!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Toni what that burn spot is on the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it couldn't be all that bad with only two triple-a batteries, right?


There I sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?


So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the batteries.



All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long, less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and loaded with two itsy, bitsy triple-a batteries) thinking to myself, "no possible way!"



What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.....I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head ИИИИed to one side as to say, "don't do it master," reasoning that a one-second burst from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad....



I decided to give myself a one-second burst just for the heck of it. I touched the prongs to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and HOLY MOTHER, WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION @! @$$!%!@*!!!



I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up in the recliner, and then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire, testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in the oddest position, and tingling in my legs. The cat was standing over me making meowing sounds I had never heard before, licking my face, undoubtedly thinking to herself, "do it again, please do it again!"



Note: If you ever feel compelled to "mug" yourself with a tazer, one note of caution: there is no such thing as a one-second burst when you zap yourself. You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor. A three second burst would be considered conservative.



SON-OF-A-....that hurt like hell!!! A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at that point), collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantle of the fireplace. How did they up get there??? My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my bottom lip weighed 88 lbs.



I'm still looking for my testicles? I'm offering a significant reward for their safe return.



Still in shock,



Tommy

Tommy

[HLC]

Hahahahahahahaahha!

[Kapn_Kiwi]

Haha I was reading that thinking "As soon as he zaps himself, his hand's going to grip that taser as hard as it can"

[fiery]

have had this in email several times and all slightly different but with the same outcome ... still chuckle at the thought (but that could be the nasty female in me

[Blue Oval Mopar Man]

yes , now that is a pisa and reminds me of another story I read in this forum about the guy dressed in only a towel doing something under the sink for his wife ! It involves a sweet little kitty and the side hurting HAHA is exactly the same outcome !

I wonder if its the same guy who wrote this story ?